Re: LOOK! Working on Advanced rating, suggestions? « Reply #1 on Oct 8, 2008, 12:31am »
Vecta emerged into the aura of the street light as if she was shrugging off a cloak woven from the threads of night, her eyes of deep sapphire glinted as they caught the light. “You called?” she laughed cruelly as the weak creature before her cowered at the sight of one who was clearly not of the living. “N...n…no.” it stammered as if shivering with cold. Vecta smiled, the red lips lifting on one side, revealing glistening fangs, “Really? I distinctly recall you saying ‘Take me Vecta, drain me.’ Or maybe it was the mistake of wandering alone in this part of the city that told me you wanted me to drink your blood” A new fear struck the whimpering human’s eyes as it realised it’s fate. It had time to scream once… twice before gurgling into death’s embrace and the slurping sound of blood being supped upon pervaded the badly lit alleyway the fresh carcass had been dragged to.
As she rose from her twilight meal, Vecta’s shimmering blond hair meandered into her eyes. Sweeping it out of the way, a kind of beauty radiated from the vampire. Her slim figure left little to the imagination and her revealing black dress most certainly made luring men much easier. The blood red eyes slowly returned to blue as their owner re-emerged into the cool, electric light of the streets, pale skin glistening and possibly coaxing the next meal into her dark grasp. Vecta loved being a creature of the night.
Behind, the drained carcass slowly rotted in the stench of the sewers beneath it and as the gnats and flies descended, the gleaming pupils of the sewer rats gathered around their dinner and as one, advanced to claim it. By the time the body was found, nothing remained but brittle bones and scraps of clothing. It was to be yet another mystery that would never be solved and another culprit that would go on killing.
Joined: Jul 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 133 Location: Under your bed o: Karma: 17
Re: LOOK! Working on Advanced rating, suggestions? « Reply #2 on Oct 8, 2008, 8:37pm »
to drink your blood” You need a full stop for that sentence.
There's also a bit of a lack in the description. You would also be able to glean more from your characters personality and the like if you added in the human, instead of being a nameless, faceless meal. Does she just pick them up off the street? Actually, you've already said that. Not the way mine would do it, but hey. Different personality. Different question. Does she like eating the pretty ones, or does she not care at all? But from the way she's dressed up when she could easily just pluck people from the footpath suggests something.
You also need more room for the introductive paragraph and the conclusive paragraph. You've concentrated on your character too much without proper room left for the description the setting requires to set the scene.
Re: LOOK! Working on Advanced rating, suggestions? « Reply #3 on Oct 25, 2008, 7:22am »
Ugh Sham, in blonde people's speak. I think I'm getting what you're saying, but with you? I'm not so sure. Notes (In answer to suggestions from Sham): Lets see. She picks them up off the alleys most of the time, but she always dresses provocatively when hunting for fun and because she finds it easy to pick up male victims that are 'willing' rather than attack like she just did. She has a conscience. It is often pushed to the back of her mind when hunting because she has accepted killing as a necessity, but she tries to go after the ones who don't seem to have a family or are scumbags (Like the married guys who try to pick her up) I'll probably work that into it, the victim can be a married man who tries to push himself on her and she uses that as reason to kill him rather than some other guy on the street. I don't really like the way I ended up portraying her in the first paragraph, too mean. But originally it was supposed to be scary, then I changed my mind. Anyone else other than Sham who's Rp this is for anyway?
Joined: Jul 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 133 Location: Under your bed o: Karma: 17
Re: LOOK! Working on Advanced rating, suggestions? « Reply #4 on Oct 25, 2008, 8:10pm »
Hee hee. You just kinda contradicted yourself there. xDDD A girl can't kill for fun and then have a conscience that she pushes to the back of her mind because she deems killing a necessity. That doesn't work. Plus there's a couple smaller inconsistencies that you either need to erase, mention in your introduction, or make more simplistic. How does she know that they're married and makes instant decisions like that, in a random alleyway? Nyurr... In my opinion vampires are supposed to be scary, evil creatures etc. So I won't try to help with your characterization in fear of screwing up your friendly vampire. xD
Since you're editing it, I suggest you put up your second draft before anyone else goes through it we don't end up repeating each other. There's a couple word changes I'll point out if they're still there after.
Edit: Haha, ok, sorry. I kinda suck at critiquing someone's intro without pulling it apart. I'll just go through from top to bottom and try to give helpful hints with everything, plus some of the stuff the more experienced roleplayers use.
Tearing to Threads--
Sentence One: Vecta emerged into the aura of the street light as if she was shrugging off a cloak woven from the threads of night, her eyes of deep sapphire glinted as they caught the light.
Redundancy is bad, mmk. Rhyming's not so fantastic either, but can usually be ignored. Here, however, you have 'light', 'night' and 'light' again in the single sentence- which is also your first sentence. Your first sentence should naturally contain some kind of lead-in that attracts roleplayers and makes them want to read it, which is more than just the simple matter of introducing your character and their setting. You've got a couple superfluous bits of writing, but not much so I'll just show you what makes it sound posh and how to keep your description without having that.
'woven from the threads of night' From the threads of night itself feels a little sue-ish, which I'm assuming you will know so I won't explain why it's sue-ish. A good alternative that still keeps the description would be something that's not quite so awe-inspiring, especially in your first sentence. Eg. "... shrugging off the cloak of shadows that seemed to cling to her even outside the darkness of the night." That doesn't fit with the rest of your sentence, but it keeps the allure of your character without using saga-speak. A second example of superfluous-ness, just so you get the gist:
'her eyes of deep sapphire' 'eyes of' is just a bad phrase to use, and you should avoid it at all costs. It's another section of saga-speak. Yes, I made up a word. You know saga's and legends and stuff. Avoid as much as possible in roleplay, unless you have a character that's unbelievably pompous and happens to speak that way. xD The 'sapphire' adds to the 'of' there, but if you just get rid of the saga-speak it'll be fine. Eg as replacement: "The dark sapphire in her eyes shining."
So, to put that all together with my crappy examples: "Vecta emerged into the -you need an adj here- aura of the street lamp, shrugging off the cloak of darkness that seemed to cling to her even outside the shadows reach. The dark sapphire in her eyes shone a disturbing green in the harsh light..." etc. Yes, I know. It split into two sentences. The metaphor doesn't fit between two commas.
Sentence Two: “You called?” she laughed cruelly as the weak creature before her cowered at the sight of one who was clearly not of the living. Actually a pretty decent sentence, though it's in stark contrast to the descriptive setting you established with your first. When you're changing styles of writing, spend a couple sentences easing out of it instead of suddenly switching. To give this sentence a little more depth, add why she's obviously not alive- and if you still want her to look pretty, I'd suggest changing that to something about 'immortality' or 'unearthliness'. So, eg again: "“You called?” The woman laughed cruelly as the weak creature before her clutched at the streetpole for support, red-rimmed eyes hiding behind his glasses at the sight of one who could not possibly be mortal." I'm not too happy with that example myself, but you get the idea.
Sentence Three: '“N...n…no.” it stammered as if shivering with cold.' I've already told you that your victim needs more character, if only so your reader understands your vampire better so they can see what kind she eats, or so they feel sympathy for the poor thing she's about to kill. You need one more sentence to get out of the descriptive thing completely without making it sound choppy, and this is it. So, to add the random character I made for it, 'it' would be replace with 'he'. You've already used an 'as if' in your first draft, so there's another example of redundancy. Find another reason why he's stammering or add in something else for either the vampire or the victim to do in that sentence. Examples ftw!: "“N-n-no...” The young man stammered uncontrollably, his pleas becoming unintelligible as she drew closer."
Phrase Four: 'Vecta smiled, the red lips lifting on one side, revealing glistening fangs, “Really? I distinctly recall you saying ‘Take me Vecta, drain me.’ Or maybe it was the mistake of wandering alone in this part of the city that told me you wanted me to drink your blood”' You can put 'Vecta smiled, the red lips lifting on one side' into a single descriptive word; since there is a word for that. It's a smirk, I think. But since smirk doesn't fit with your scary scene atm, try a descriptive word after 'smiled' and remove the second part of it. "fangs," should be a full-stop. And 'blood' should be a full-stop or an ellipsis.
Phrase Five: 'A new fear struck the whimpering human’s eyes as it realised it’s fate. It had time to scream once… twice before gurgling into death’s embrace and the slurping sound of blood being supped upon pervaded the badly lit alleyway the fresh carcass had been dragged to.' Ah man. My computer just deleted this one and phrase 6, so I'm not going to be as thorough. And I wrote a huge thing for this, too. D< I'm so annoyed. Mmk. So in short, without the polite explanations. I sorry. All it's are now he's/him's. Cuz I made it so. 'death's embrace' is another saga-speak bit, but it's overused so it doesn't stick out so bad. Pervaded shoud be rid of, since it doesn't quite fit the rest of the vocabulary you've been using. Characterization is a big bit, especially since it's a death, and the death is the highlight of your intro. So add in a little more fear, get a reaction from your readers from his death, expand a little more on her personality. Here's my version- and this is what my character would do, so you don't think I'm making assumptions about your own charrie:
"A new fear entered his eyes as she reached out to him, jumping backwards only to trip over his shoelace in his attempt to flee. She caught him before he hit the ground, her straw blonde hair tickling his cheek as she hugged him tightly to her. There were two screams, the second one weaker as his eyes began to droop. His last thought was that she smelled of strawberries. For a brief moment the street was silent as she pulled him gently into a darkened alley to finish her meal."
Phrase Six: 'As she rose from her twilight meal, Vecta’s shimmering blond hair meandered into her eyes. Sweeping it out of the way, a kind of beauty radiated from the vampire. Her slim figure left little to the imagination and her revealing black dress most certainly made luring men much easier. The blood red eyes slowly returned to blue as their owner re-emerged into the cool, electric light of the streets, pale skin glistening and possibly coaxing the next meal into her dark grasp. Vecta loved being a creature of the night.'
Yes, I quoted the entire thing. Yes, I did that last time too. I was lazy both times. Twilight's between day and night, and your intro gives the impression that it's well into the night time. Shimmering blonde is a bad way to describe colours; shimmering just doesn't work too well with hair unless you're wanting sue. Yus, most vampires are very pretty, since that's one of the main reasons they get bitten and turned, but be careful saying it. Another sue aspect. Plus, your phrasing of that sentence makes it sound like only after she swept her hair out the way was she all beautiful. xDD A slim figure doesn't leave much to the imagination, a small dress does that. 'Her' blood red eyes... And something a little realistic, considering she's just downed 7 litres of blood or so. She wouldn't be so pale, so probably not the best time to describe that. I'm not gonna give an example, because other than those minor changes it doesn't need it.
Last phrase: 'Behind, the drained carcass slowly rotted in the stench of the sewers beneath it and as the gnats and flies descended, the gleaming pupils of the sewer rats gathered around their dinner and as one, advanced to claim it. By the time the body was found, nothing remained but brittle bones and scraps of clothing. It was to be yet another mystery that would never be solved and another culprit that would go on killing.'
gleaming eyes. Gleaming pupils is unnecessary. 'the sewers beneath it' beneath it isn't needed. The first sentence is too large; either condense or turn it into two sentences. And I think you need a bit somewhere near the end about her walking off, just so people know what she did last. I like your ending though. The enddddd. I'm done. xD
Re: LOOK! Working on Advanced rating, suggestions? « Reply #5 on Oct 30, 2008, 6:40pm »
I forgot to post the edit here. it's in gaia. i edited loads of it, so i'll post it here later and you can rip that to shreds too. i can't now cause school's put gaia on a global blacklist... lucky this isn't...
Joined: Jul 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 133 Location: Under your bed o: Karma: 17
Re: LOOK! Working on Advanced rating, suggestions? « Reply #6 on Oct 30, 2008, 10:34pm »
Yupyup, I found that one eventually. Too lazy to go through and do that one too. xD Just keep what I said in mind, and you should do fine. Btw. Plz go reply to me on Gaia. xDD
Re: LOOK! Working on Advanced rating, suggestions? « Reply #7 on Nov 1, 2008, 2:36am »
(Edit 2) Vampires. The blood obsessed plague that drew chills whenever it was mentioned. In one word, Fear. That's how most humans think of them anyway. But life as a vampire was different. There were stuck-up honour freaks who couldn't smile if a teapot danced the cancan right in front of them. There were the scum too. The scrapings from the bottom of the vampiric barrel. The kind of turds who killed anyone and everyone just because they were a little bit thirsty. Not Vecta. She liked to think she had her own kind of code. Like one of her closest friends, she was loath to kill her own kind. She killed humans all the time. She preferred the bad guys. Cheats, rapists, scammers. She figured she was doing the world a service, ungrateful lot that they were. She had just returned to Adelaide after hearing about the deaths of her clan elders. War was coming again and she knew she would be called upon, being one of the older members. At three-hundred, only a few, like Lolly, were her seniors although many looked to be; she only looked around seventeen.
Vecta emerged into the aura of the street lamp as if she was shrugging off a cloak made of the clinging night, her eyes of deep sapphire glinted as they caught the light. Her companion, a young, handsome man with a gold ring glinting on his wedding finger smiled appreciatively. "So why don't we cut to the chase and have some fun?" He asked her, surreptitiously fingering his ring. Vecta raised one eyebrow. "If you mean the kind of fun I think you mean, I cannot help but wonder what your WIFE would say,James." A brief exchange of words followed along the lines of 'what his wife doesn't know won't hurt her/karma will catch up to you' and James decided he couldn't wait any longer. He grabbed her wrists and pressed her against the wall of the nearby alley. As he slowly reached down, his taunting grin which suggested premeditation turned to confusion as his 'victim' began to laugh. The sound echoed hauntingly through the empty space. "You plan to take me by force?" She asked him. Confused, he could only nod, confidence lost. Vecta smiled, the red lips lifting on one side, revealing glistening fangs, “Really... It was the mistake of being a cheating, criminal scumbag that told me you deserved to die you know. I wasn't planning this.” She threw him away and a new fear struck the man’s eyes as he lay on the filthy ground. He had time to scream once… twice as she lunged before gurgling into silence and the sickening sound of blood being drained bounced off the walls of the alley.
As she rose from her twilight meal, Vecta’s shimmering blond hair meandered into her eyes. Sweeping it out of the way, a kind of beauty radiated from the vampire. She could not help it. All vampires shared this beauty, one of the many tools they used for hunting. Her slim figure and her elegant black dress added to the allure, which helped when Vecta needed a quick pick-me-up. The blood red eyes slowly returned to blue as their owner re-emerged into the cool, electric light of the streets, newly flushed skin glistening. Despite her beliefs of old, Vecta loved the freedom being a creature of the night. Freedom that was starting to fade.
Behind her, the lonely carcass slowly rotted and as the gnats and flies descended, the gleaming orbs that were the eyes of the sewer rats gathered around their dinner and gleefully advanced to claim it. By the time the body was found, nothing remained but brittle bones and a glinting gold ring, still on the corpse's finger. It was to be yet another mystery that would never be solved and another unknown culprit that would go on killing.
Dismissing her depressing thoughts, Vecta strolled slowly down the boulevard.
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